July 26, 2019 my 32nd
birthday will makes 12 years, 6 months and 23 days. As I look over my life, I
come to realize that my journey and experience have been interesting to say the
least. To be honest many things I’ve been forced to bury as I’d not remember
them due the shame I felt. I write this blog to share my story in an effort
help someone in my country Jamaica. Being away from Jamaica makes it is much
easier to share my story, but like the four men with the leprosy in 2 Kings
7:3-20, I was at the point of do or die. This blog will highlight three of my
most trauma filled personal experiences.
I am the “wash belly” (last
child) to my parents and I’ve always known my life would be different; but didn’t
expect it to be this different. From attending Duhaney Park Primary school I
remembered my grade 3 teacher Ms. Hamilton taking a chance on my intellect and
moving me from the average class. This shift has aligned me to be able to meet
Mrs. Erskin who prepared me for the first Grade Six Achievement Test (G-Sat)
examination. I was successful and ultimately granted admission to the
prestigious all boys school Calabar High. The funny part is I never wanted to
go to Calabar before because of all the negative stories I had heard about it.
After careful thought, I realized not many would have this opportunity
especially given how this school has shaped the history of Jamaica.
It was January 2000 second term in grade 7, I
suddenly took sick. High fever, swollen joints- I could not walk. Yes, I was in
pain and unable to walk at the age of 12. After spending months in the Kingston
Public Hospital, after many tests and almost heart failure I was diagnosed with
rheumatic fever. What the hell was this? My treatment was a penicillin shot
every 28 days for the rest of my life. This was my high school life and I could
not do any major activities because my heart wouldn’t be able to keep up. I
thank God the day when doctors told me my heart was good and I no longer needed
to take the medication. That was right around my 26th birthday. So I know a
thing or two about being sick.
Innocence stolen – Raw
Truth
One Saturday night at
church, I was performing my cleaning duties and started talking with a
community member in his late 30s who had come to see the Pastor. Our
conversation diverted into sex talk and I was turned on yet uncomfortable at
the same time. He lived in the area close
by and later in the evening saw me leaving and offered to accompany me
home. We were on Washington Blvd walking
and reached at the Bridge at Patrick City where there is a gully, that was dark
and bushy at the time. When we got to the bridge, he suggested we go into the
bushes where he could show me something and no one could see us. I could see he had an erection and I was
curious to know, but fearful at the same ti me. He made me perform oral sex on him and then
he rubbed his penis within my legs until he ejaculated. He then performed oral sex on me until I did
the same. As pleasurable as the
experience was, I also felt guilty at the end. When it almost over, I made one
shout and that one shout I felt something left my body; a part of me was taken
away, a part I cannot get back. I was upset and told him to leave me
alone. When I got home that night, I
remembered I went straight to the bathroom, I cried in the shower while I tried
to wash away what was done to me. In all the years up till then, I used to tell
myself the encounter was my fault; I had brought it on myself. A feeling of
emptiness or loss was left with me. Homophobia and fear for myself I really did
not tell anyone about the encounter to this day until I started therapy July
2014. I was just 14years old.
Living my truth
July 26, 2019 will be 4587
days since I told myself, “God had a plan.” After leaving high school I started
working as a Teller at GSB Cooperative Credit Union February 2005. I was only
making JA$5,000.00 (around US$65 at the time) until I got promoted to full
time. January 2006, I took sick for almost a month. While in the hospital,
doctors performed just about every test possible even a HIV test. They were
still not sure what was happening to my body. At the end of that year going
into the new year, I felt changes in my body I never expected. All these
symptoms began happening to me, but what was really happening I could never
tell. I remember I told myself beginning of January 2007 right after the
holidays I need to go back to get a test. I prayed about and read about it and
I got an answer. I was at peace. I remembered I went to the clinic, did the
paperwork and I sat down with the nurse and we chitchat and make jokes. She did
the test and we waited the then customary 20mins for the results. Time flew so
fast because of the conversation we were having. And she told, “its reactive
to HIV” and I paused for a moment and asked her what that meant. She told
me plainly it means you are HIV positive and we need to draw blood to do a
confirmation. I asked her to do a next test to confirm she reminded me the
blood test will confirm the results. She finally asked me, how you do feel?
---- I simple told her, “God has a plan” and smiled.
I know when I got up to
leave Jamaica AIDS Support for Life’s office, I had to be strong, bold, show no
tears, show no fear, no one else could know, tell no body because bein g gay I already felt condemned. But gay plus HIV
positive it will be deemed THE punishment from GOD as far as my community was
concerned.
July 26, 2019 will be 150 months and 23 days since I
have been living with HIV. I was 19
years old when I knew I had HIV. While I knew “God has a plan” I had to face my
reality. Working in the credit union industry was good because it meant I could
afford to go to private doctor and take care of myself without no one else
knowing what was happening. The sad reality September 2007 my contract was
terminated and for five years from my diagnosis to January 2012, I stayed away
from care because of fear and shame. I stayed away because the facilities in
Jamaica were not friendly towards LGBTQ people much less someone living with
HIV. The facilities I encountered had virtually no privacy; everyone knew why
you were there, and I would tell myself I could not do that. Around July 2011 I
didn’t like how I was feeling, and my identity was changing. Especially people
I knew younger than me were dying from AIDS related illnesses. I refused to
die! I didn’t care who see me or know my status I am going to get the help I
need. I kept this from my family. It seemed it was just in time because my body
started showing more visible signs something was wrong and I was referred to
see a Dermatologist who help me solved one problem and as I sat in her office
January 2012 after completing a treatment, she asked if I was in care and what
do I want to do. I told her I have an appointment in 6 months at Kingston Public
Hospital she told me, I could see her at her office and get my care treatment
from her. My life has since turned around for the better. To this day I have
been on treatment for 7 years and very much undetectable. Being undetectable
means the HIV is under control and will not be able to transmit HIV
sexually.
I write this blog because I am thriving beyond
HIV. It does not define who or what I am. Today, I work as a full time
Treatment Education Specialist, helping African/Americans living with HIV with
adherence to their medication and on a part-time basis I am a Sr. Community
Health Worker, offering HIV/STD testing to the LGBTQ community in Los Angeles.
Seven years ago, I started HEALING with HOPE as an
avenue of advocacy to talk about HIV without people knowing my life story.
Today…
I am living proof of
HEALING with HOPE.
I am not ashamed of my
status.
I am not afraid to share
my story to help someone else
I am giving because I know
what it is like to be without.
TODAY, I AM
NOT SICK, I AM THRIVING BEYOND HIV!
